Another Day of Waiting

This was such a painful day last year. I woke up with hopes that we would be bringing Sanele and Dema "home"(meaning back to the place where we were staying) that night. Instead, we went back to our place without them, but with very broken hearts.

We spent that morning meeting with government officials and jumping through the many hoops that were placed before us. It was exhausting and terrifying to me. I just felt like we were on eggshells as we maneuvered through the process. I never felt confident that these kids would be ours until we literally were flying over the ocean to return to the U.S. a month later. I am a people pleaser, and I want to be liked by everyone. I wanted to make sure we were doing and saying all the right things to move this process forward.

After the meetings, we were told that we could take custody of the kids later that day. I was elated!! The really cool part was that the rest of our team was at the cultural center and were not finished. So, Rick and I had some time alone. We went on a little African date, knowing it would be a LONG time before we had one of those again. We ate lunch at a cafe, and then, we went to the grocery store and bought diapers, formula, and food for Isaiah and Laila. It was really fun.

That afternoon, our team was scheduled to have a picnic with one of the churches that we support. The picnic was on a piece of land up in the mountains. It was great, but went really long. As the time passed at the picnic, I began to get really stressed. I was afraid we were going to be arriving too late to take custody of the children. Unfortunately, I was right. As we drove away from the picnic, we received word that we would not be able to get the children that night, but would have to wait until the next morning.

I was a mess at this point I realize now that it could have been so much worse, but my heart ached at the fact that I would have to say goodbye to them again. I think from here, I will share from my journal again. I just can't match the words and emotions that I expressed at that time.

My journal entry from that evening:

When we pulled up, the kids started jumping up and down in excitement. Sanele was one of them. It was so good to see him. We brought bananas for the kids.

He is in the yellow tank top and blue shorts in this picture

I hugged Sanele and talked to him for a few minutes(now you have to realize this child knew only a few English words at this point, so conversations were complicated). Then, I had to find Dema. I found her sitting on the floor inside.

Spending time with our babies

My special boy

I took Dema into my arms and held her. We played for a minute and then...

she laid down her head on me and fell asleep. It was precious and very encouraging to me. I was able to put her in her bed before we left. They covered her up with a towel. That made me really sad. I whispered to her, "Mommy will be back to get you tomorrow," with tears in my eyes. It was physically painful to leave her in that environment. I have a blanket for her. I have pajamas for her. I wouldn't put her to bed dirty.

This moment will forever be etched in my heart

I looked around the house where she was staying. It looked dirty, scary, and unsafe, especially outside. The darkness that was approaching really made it seem like a place I didn't want my children to be. Don't get me wrong, I know that many children are in much worse situations. I just did not want to leave my children there one more night.

I had no choice. I had to say goodbye. I had to leave. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.