Processing with Isaiah

Rick and I have been reflecting over our 1 year and 5 months with Isaiah and Laila. Examining where they are in the bonding process. Figuring out if and when they are grieving their losses(yes, little ones can grieve, even if they join you at birth!). Watching how they have so perfectly fit into our family like two little puzzle pieces that were missing.

Isaiah was 2 years 3 months old when he joined our family. Laila was 9 months old. Isaiah was very fluent in his language but only knew a handful of English words. Language was definitely a barrier between us. He was so verbal and there were so many things that both of us were saying to each other that neither understood. Our conversations would often end with him(or me) screaming in frustration over our lack of ability to clearly communicate. With Laila, it didn't matter. She was a baby. Her language at that point was love. That was oh, so easy for me to speak. She attached to me immediately. It was like she had been waiting all of her 9 months for me, her mama. When we were still in country, women would try to take her and hold her. She would have none of that. She only wanted me! She didn't even have the opportunity to know her birth mother. She was only a week old when she died.

Isaiah on the other hand was 18 months old when their mom died. He had a year and a half of his life with her. She was his make(pronounced ma gay). Then, one day she was gone, and he hasn't seen her since. His little mind couldn't process why she was gone and that she didn't choose to abandon them. He couldn't wrap his little mind around any of the realities that surrounded him at that point. In just a few short months, I will have been his mom as long as his birth mother. That feels significant to me.

After having a discussion with Rick, I decided to bring up the idea of Isaiah's birth mom with him. We were concerned that he might feel like he couldn't talk about her if he wanted to. I didn't plan to pressure him, just put the feelers out and see what his response would be. Don't get me wrong, we talk about Swaziland all the time with him. We don't shelter him from that or try to make him forget it. It is important for him to know about his country even at a young age. We love his country and spend a great deal of time investing in the people there who have become dear friends to us. We just hadn't really addressed the topic of his birth mom because he has never brought it up.

Two Sundays ago, the opportunity presented itself. Sometimes he likes to pretend he is a baby boy, and I will hold and cuddle him accordingly.(That is really common for children who are adopted and missed out on that phase with their adoptive parents. It helps them to heal by reliving some of those activities.) After his bath on this particular Sunday, I had him all wrapped up in his towel holding him like a baby. He looked at me and said, "I'm a baby boy." I replied by saying, "Isaiah, when you were a baby boy, mommy did not get to hold you. I don't know what you were like as a baby boy. You were in Swaziland." He nodded. I then said, "Do you remember your Swazi mama?" He said, "yes." I said, "Do you want to talk about her." He nodded, yes. I then said, "Isaiah, she was a good mama who loved you very much. She took good care of you. Any time you want to talk about her, we can." He nodded to me and smiled. I said, "Do you miss her?" He nodded, yes. Tears came to my eyes. I said to him, "I am so sorry that you don't have your Swazi mama anymore. God brought you to our family so that I could be your mama now." Then, he said, "You and Daddy come to Africa on a plane and get me and bring me home." I said, "Yes we did."

Then, something very profound happened. It was one of those moments I won't forget. He looked up at me, held my face, and said, "I love you, Mama." Now, if you are reading this, you might say, "oh, that is so sweet." And it was. But, the really profound part is that this was the first time on his own, without being prompted, that Isaiah chose to say that he loves me. Before that I would tell him I love him and then always have to say, "do you love, Mama?" His answer was always, "yes," but he was always responding to me, not initiating. This time, he chose on his own without any prompting to say those precious words to me. It felt very significant.

I shared this story with Rick, and we could both tell a difference in him after that experience. He just seemed happier and more settled. Fast forward a week to Isaiah's Sunday bath. I was holding him again and said, "Do you want to talk about something?" He responded, "Yes, my Swazi mama." So, we talked about her. I just reassured him of how much she loved him. Then, I said, "Did you have a Swazi daddy?" He said pretty strongly, "NO!" Then he said, "My daddy come get me and take me on a airplane and bring me home." At the end of our conversation, once again, he held my face and told me that he loves me. Wow! This kid has understanding beyond what I would expect.

Later that morning, Isaiah said something about his "Swazi Mama." Then he looked at me and said, "You my Swazi Mama now." My heart absolutely melted. I am so glad that I talked to him. I am so glad he opened up to me. I know there will be many more conversations to be had. I know that there may be times where he struggles with having me as his mom. For now, I am thankful that God is working in our relationship to bond us together as mother and son. I will continue to talk to him about his time before he joined us and always give him the freedom to talk about the woman who literally gave her life so that Laila could be born. What would my life be without them? I can't even fathom that idea.