It Happened

I knew this day would come.

I hoped it would be longer before it did.

But, it is here, and now we move forward in it.

It is painful, sad, and emotional.

Nobody ever said it would be easy.

In a perfect world, this would not be an issue.

But, it is, and we embrace the pain mixed with gratefulness that it surfaces in our hearts.

I am in tears writing this post.

Before nap time, I was getting Isaiah and Laila ready for bed.

I have made it a point to really talk a lot about how we are alike and how we are different over the last year and a half.

I have done this because I knew this day would come.

I have also done it in front of Isaiah and Laila with our biological children so that they would see there are differences and similarities there as well.

I pointed to Isaiah's belly button and said, "Isaiah, your belly button is an outy." Then I pointed to mine and said, "My belly button is an inny."

He looked at me and in a really sad voice said, "Why don't we match?"

I said, "What do you mean?" (I didn't want to make more of this than it was, but something in his voice told me he wasn't talking about his belly button.)

He answered, "I am brown and you are white. Why can't I match you?" He then started crying, really hard.

My heart was broken right at that moment once again for all the pain this little boy, my son, has already endured. He has lost his birth mom. He has moved across the world. He is a part of a family that look different from him.

It saddens me because I know that pain is not over.

When I look at him, I don't see his brown skin. I see my animated, passionate son. I see the miracles that God did to bring him to our family. I remember how God placed him on my heart 6 months before I even knew that he existed.

Others will not see the same thing. Some will automatically make judgements about him just by looking at his skin. Some will make judgements about him just by looking at our family.

Why does it have to be this way? How do I walk through this with him?

I so want to handle this perfectly, but yet I know I will make mistakes.

I believe God will use Isaiah's story in amazing ways. Actually, He already has.

I am sad that he has to go through the pain once again, and again, and again.

I pray for my son.

I pray that God will give me great wisdom as we journey through this challenge.

This is a conversation that we will have over and over.

I hugged him. I told him how much I love him and how beautiful I think his skin is. I told him all the ways that we are alike. I told him how thankful I am that he is my son.

I hope he feels it deep down inside where he needs to.

Now, I think I am pretty much a mess for the rest of today.

He is napping. He probably won't even remember this conversation when he wakes up. He will be more concerned about what snack he is going to have.

I won't forget it for the rest of my life.