Monday, November 15, 2010

It Happened

I knew this day would come.

I hoped it would be longer before it did.

But, it is here, and now we move forward in it.

It is painful, sad, and emotional.

Nobody ever said it would be easy.

In a perfect world, this would not be an issue.

But, it is, and we embrace the pain mixed with gratefulness that it surfaces in our hearts.

I am in tears writing this post.

Before nap time, I was getting Isaiah and Laila ready for bed.

I have made it a point to really talk a lot about how we are alike and how we are different over the last year and a half.

I have done this because I knew this day would come.

I have also done it in front of Isaiah and Laila with our biological children so that they would see there are differences and similarities there as well.

I pointed to Isaiah's belly button and said, "Isaiah, your belly button is an outy." Then I pointed to mine and said, "My belly button is an inny."

He looked at me and in a really sad voice said, "Why don't we match?"

I said, "What do you mean?" (I didn't want to make more of this than it was, but something in his voice told me he wasn't talking about his belly button.)

He answered, "I am brown and you are white. Why can't I match you?" He then started crying, really hard.

My heart was broken right at that moment once again for all the pain this little boy, my son, has already endured. He has lost his birth mom. He has moved across the world. He is a part of a family that look different from him.

It saddens me because I know that pain is not over.

When I look at him, I don't see his brown skin. I see my animated, passionate son. I see the miracles that God did to bring him to our family. I remember how God placed him on my heart 6 months before I even knew that he existed.

Others will not see the same thing. Some will automatically make judgements about him just by looking at his skin. Some will make judgements about him just by looking at our family.

Why does it have to be this way? How do I walk through this with him?

I so want to handle this perfectly, but yet I know I will make mistakes.

I believe God will use Isaiah's story in amazing ways. Actually, He already has.

I am sad that he has to go through the pain once again, and again, and again.

I pray for my son.

I pray that God will give me great wisdom as we journey through this challenge.

This is a conversation that we will have over and over.

I hugged him. I told him how much I love him and how beautiful I think his skin is. I told him all the ways that we are alike. I told him how thankful I am that he is my son.

I hope he feels it deep down inside where he needs to.

Now, I think I am pretty much a mess for the rest of today.

He is napping. He probably won't even remember this conversation when he wakes up. He will be more concerned about what snack he is going to have.

I won't forget it for the rest of my life.


  1. Oh Laura, I'm sorry you're sad. I think you're doing a GREAT job! In the end I'm sure that the love of your family will trump the minor difference that is your skin color. He will know your love. You give it to him every day in so many ways.


  2. Ok-this was so beautiful, true and sad and awesome that it made me cry.

  3. tears here. thanks for sharing such an intimate moment with isaiah. it's amazing how truly beautiful and painful it is all at the same time.

  4. Oh Laura, I'm so glad that Isiah has such a wonderful Mom who cares so deeply. We are preparing for this reality as well. We hoped that because our family is already blended that it wouldn't be "as big a deal", but clearly it will be at some point.

    Our family will continue to pray for your family. You are an amazing inspiration to us!

  5. Tears. God has given you such a hard and such a precious job of loving this amazing son of yours through all of his pain and loss.

  6. Tears here too. I know it's hard. You were prepared that it would happen, and your sharp little boy is very observant. :) You of all people are ready to handle this, to preserve that memory in a good way, and have the faith that this is exactly the way God wanted it. I'm so proud of how you mother your newest 2 kiddos and just want you to be encouraged. Of course you will cry, it's just natural. I agree with all the other statements made. Your family's love is so much bigger than color differences--how amazing.

  7. Just read this in my office and have tears thinking about the conversation I could have one day with my little Swazi love. I still pray the doors will open and God will make a way. I hunger to hold and cuddle and sing and laugh with our little one. I miss her painfully every day. I feel like she is so much a part of me and I long to be her mom full time. God only knows. I am thankful that you have this opportunity to be love to these little ones. They are so blessed to have your family - your care and encouraging words that will soothe their souls and show them the love of Jesus like they have never seen before. You are making an impact on the lives of these children in ways you may never comprehend - but day by day it is taking place. Deep places in their heart are being healed by yours and Rick's love each and every day. Stay strong. Embrace what God has given you and remember that you are amazing!!! Thanks for sharing your authentic self with all of us. Prayers going up for healing and restoration and peace for all of you. <3