Surprised by Grief

I had a moment today that took me off guard. It came out of seemingly nowhere. I went to a women's event at church. It was good to have a day away to interact with other women and be encouraged in my spiritual walk. During one of the worship sessions, I was overwhelmed by a sense of grief. I was thinking about Isaiah and Laila and how amazing their personalities are. And all of a sudden it hit me, I was not there to witness their births. I will never know what they looked like on those first days of life. I didn't see their first smiles or change those first diapers(although they have gone above and beyond to make up for that one. :) ) I didn't comfort them when they were crying or feed them their milk. For Isaiah, I will never know what he looked like as a baby. I missed out on his first steps and his first words. At least for Laila, I have pictures of her beginning at 7 months old. Even that doesn't seem sufficient. It seems so wrong that I didn't have that time with them, and I have no idea what that time was like for them. It made me really sad. I wonder what I was doing during those milestones in their lives. I can look back at my calendar to see what I was doing on the days they were born. I can also gain comfort in the fact that the very time that God first laid Africa on my heart was the very time period when Isaiah was conceived. When he was almost 18 months old, I looked down a church row at my family on mothers' day and felt in my heart that a little African boy was missing. I was in the very country on the day that my daughter was born and had no idea what a pivotal day that was or what lifechanging event was occurring just across town.

Don't get me wrong. This thought has crossed my mind before today. It was especially strong once we got news of them and waited those 4 months to meet them and bring them into our family. It was excruciating knowing that someone else was caring for them. It was even harder imagining them living over 2 years for Isaiah and 9 months for Laila without us. The grief I felt today was deeper, more painful.

Without going into a lot of detail, the last year of their little lives was pretty traumatic. They have experienced a lot of loss and a lot of transition. We are approaching the completion of our 5th month at homewith them. I am thankful that this has been a time of stability for them. I am thankful that despite all of their transitions and unknowns that they are now a part of our family forever. They have adjusted so well. When we arrived home from our vacation in July after introducing them to our extended families, Rick and I agreed that phase 1 of our adjustment process was complete. As a whole our family is functioning as a family. The siblings all interact as siblings do. They love each other, and they fight with each other. They are my babies and I am their mom. Nothing will ever change that. I pray that God continues to give me a heart for their loss and pain. I desire to walk with them through this loss and pain as they grow old enough to grasp it on their own. Until then, I plan to record those milestones and give them a sense of who they are and the amazing plan that God has for each of them.