Thursday, December 9, 2010

Lazy Day

I decided last night that today would be a lazy day for me.

If I didn't have children to take to school or care for all day, I just might have stayed in the bed all day reading, sleeping, watching TV, getting hot chocolate. That sounds really luxurious to me right now. I don't think I have actually ever done that.

Since that is not an option, I decided to do the next best thing. Once I got the kids to school, I would just come home and relax all day and focus on interacting with Isaiah and Laila.

I am realizing that I really don't know how to relax. I have done way less today than I usually would, but my "lazy day" has involved a lot of work.

Here is what it has been like so far:
1. Getting 6 kids out the door by 7:40. (Dressed, fed, and presentable)
2. A quick stop at the grocery store(We are almost out of toilet paper. That is not one of those things you can live without for too long. By the way, we go through a lot of toilet paper around here!)
- Side note: While we were at the store, Isaiah looked at me with a panic-stricken face and said, "Mommy, I feel like I am going to throw up!" I did not want to deal with that in the middle of the store so I told him to hold on. I raced through the store to the bathroom. I got him out of the cart. We made it! Then, as he was standing over the toilet, he looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Oh, wait a minute. I just have the hiccups." Well, that was a relief.
3. Came home and fed Isaiah and Laila breakfast.
4. Did 4 loads of laundry throughout my day.
5. Watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory(original version) with Isaiah and Laila for the first time. (I know pretty much every word of that movie. I never get tired of it. I also love the new version just as much as the original one!)
6. Caught up on all my emails and blog reading. (I enjoyed that one, too.)
7. Fed Isaiah and Laila lunch.
8. Put them down for a nap.
9. I worked on the details for Isaiah's upcoming bday party.
10. Now, I am watching some episodes from the first season of "House" while I work on my Christmas Food Lists(writing out what we eat at each meal and creating my grocery lists).

I really have relaxed today, but when I look at my list, I see that I have a long way to go in the REALLY relaxing realm.

I deal with a lot of guilt in my life about never being enough. I live under this false assumption that if I am not ultra productive and don't accomplish enough then I am not valuable.

I am fighting against those thoughts, against that guilt.

Today was a tiny step in the right direction in that journey for me.

I did way more than I should have, but I allowed myself to relax way more than I ever do.

This all goes into the mentality of what I HAVE to do each day.

I am trying to be more flexible with myself.

I am asking myself the question, "How can I enjoy every day no matter what comes my way?"

My value should be a constant not determined by my accomplishments.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Laura, I could have written your post (except minus three kids). I've struggled my entire life with anxiety and never being good enough. I've been in therapy on and off for YEARS to deal with it. This last round of therapy finally seems to have started some change in my life.
    It's so hard for me to be still. It's so hard to not focus on the "to-do lists" (Of which I am the Queen...remember, I bring color coded spreadsheets to Disney World as a schedule).
    I have found that when I start beating myself up for something I haven't done, I need to step back and ask myself what I would say if someone else was saying such things to my best friend. I then realize that I'd be tempted to punch them in the face. Yet, this is what I'm OK with telling myself? It has helped me to be more kind to myself.
    I just adore you and your family and I'm so grateful to have met you!