Heartbreaking

My heart feels heavy tonight. I have had 2 very emotional conversations with Isaiah in the last 2 days.

Last night we were driving in the truck and this was our conversation:

Isaiah: Mama, where was I born?

Me: Remember, buddy, you were born in Swaziland.

Isaiah: (silence for a bit) Were you there when I was born?

Me: No, I met you when you were 2 years old.

Isaiah: Who was there when I was born?

Me: Your Swazi Mama was there.

Isaiah: Did you adopt me from Swaziland to your family?

Me: Yes, Isaiah, God gave you to our family and we came to Swaziland and brought you home.

Isaiah: Am I going to have to go to another family?

Me: NO, you are my son. We will be your family forever. You are Isaiah Sanele Clapp. You will always be in the Clapp family. Cody is my son, Sam is my son, (I went down the line. Cody and the others chimed in as well about him being their brother).

Isaiah: You're not going to send me to another family?

Me: No, Isaiah, you are part of our family FOREVER!!

Isaiah: Mama, am I a rock star?

Me: Absolutely, one of the coolest ever!! (Isn't it funny how they change the subject so abruptly?)

Then, tonight we had a situation where Isaiah had been disobeying me. I gave him a warning and told him one more time and he would lose a privilege. He did it again. After explaining to him that he needs to learn to obey mommy the first time. I told him that his choice to disobey had caused him to lose his privilege, but he could try to earn it back tomorrow by making wise choices and obeying.

Then, in a really sad voice, he said:

Isaiah: Mommy, does this mean I have to go to another family?

Me: (immediately I responded) No way, Isaiah. Nothing you can do will cause us to send you to another family. You will always be a part of our family. You are our son and your behavior does not change that. Why would you ask me that?

Isaiah: Because I didn't obey, do I have to leave? Mommy, I don't want you to die.

Me: (with a broken heart) No buddy, you are always my son. Because you are my son, God wants me to teach you how to obey so that you will learn to obey Him. I don't want to die, Isaiah. I want to watch you grow into a big boy.

Isaiah: Mommy, where do dragons live?

These conversations amaze me. They seem to come out of nowhere and then end abruptly.

It deeply saddens my heart that he questions his stability in our family. I know this can be expected. I have read it over and over. I guess I just hoped it would be different for him. I hoped that I could love him so completely that he would never doubt his position.

We do know foster families whose children were taken away. I don't know if he is processing that and comparing his situation. I don't know what is going on in that little head.

He is a strong-willed little boy that, left undisciplined, will make some pretty harmful choices for himself.

How do I give him the security he needs, while still teaching him boundaries and right from wrong? How do I show my deep, deep love for him in the discipline that he needs? How do I break the hold that these lies will have on him as he gets older?

These are the questions that I wrestle with tonight. I ask God to guide me, give me wisdom, and help me to know what Isaiah needs as he needs it.

Lord, only you can speak your plan and purpose to His heart. Show Him the miracles you performed to bring him to our family. Help us communicate to him how much we want him and love him. Help me to see that we fought with all the we had to bring him home. Show Him your Hand in his life and the amazing plan that you have for him. Help him to see how each step of his path leads him closer to the calling you have for him. Give him peace and security in his heart not only in this family, but in you.