Cannot Get a Grip

I just can't get a grip on my life right now. It is busy, overwhelming, full of activity, and never stops. I am pretty emotional, crying a lot and trying to figure out what God is doing in my heart.

I am still processing what I learned at the Orphan Summit.

3 things stand out to me:

1. I went to 2 sessions on Trauma and Adopted Children taught by Karyn Purvis(She is very well known in the adoption realm for her book "The Connected Child"). My eyes were opened in those sessions. You see, I had pretty much decided that Isaiah and Laila did not have "trauma" in their pasts. What I learned is that just the circumstances like poverty, unhealthy pregnancies, lack of nutrition in the early years, and losing their mom are enough trauma to affect their brain chemistries. It is our job to nurture them back to health. Because they are young, it will be much easier, but we have work ahead of us. That overwhelmed me for sure. I was sitting in the session thinking, "I have 6 kids. 2 of my bio kids have sensory issues. 1 of those children has Celiac disease. 2 of my children are adopted and have the trauma that comes along with that. I don't want the other 2 to get lost in the shuffle. How in the world can I be the mom that they all need me to be? I came back home looking at Isaiah and Laila differently than I had before.

2. John Piper spoke on Friday night. His message from Hebrews 11 was that just because you are doing what God had called you to, does not mean that it will be easy or smooth. In fact, you may be persecuted, tortured or die for your cause. Many who have adopted have gone through some horrific and painful circumstances. I know many people that have been in that situation. Many others are in countries around the world fighting for the cause of orphans and widows. Their circumstances are not easy. In fact, many are living their lives in danger every day for their calling. That does not mean that God is not in it or that they did not hear from Him. As Christians we always want to focus on the blessings of God. We also tend to judge each other based on the blessings in each others' lives. If we are blessed, then we must be following God. If we are not blessed, then we must have some sin in our lives. That is just not so. Look at many of the New Testament believers who were imprisoned and even died for their faith. I loved this realistic view of the Christian life. It is easy to get wrapped up in a "cause" for Christ and glamorize it to the point of not really grasping God's hand in it all. It is easy to think we are in control or that God needs us to accomplish His purpose. Don't get me wrong. I pray that He chooses to use me, but I also rest in the fact that HE is the one who is in control, not me. This message brought me down to earth. It grounded me in a way that I needed.

3. The greatest thing I came away from the conference with was the need that my children have for me. God burdened me for my kids. He has given them to me. This is my calling. That doesn't mean that I can't reach out to care for orphans. That doesn't mean that I don't continue in the work of Beyond Survival. That doesn't mean that I don't minister in my church. The problem for me is that things have become lopsided. I am off balance, and my children are the ones paying the price. I have to reign it in. I have to say, "no" more often. I have to make them more of a priority. It is funny that I came away from a conference primarily about orphan care and adoption with this perspective. I expected to be more "on fire" for the cause of the orphan. I expected to come away with new ideas for Beyond Survival. I expected to be burdened in a new way for adoption and orphan care. Instead, God gently reminded me that my primary calling is one that I am overlooking and often downplaying.

Since we have been home, there have been so many things that have shown me that my life needs to change. I can see it in my kids' eyes. I can hear it in their voices. Emotionally, we are all drained. God has been using all kinds of sources to get His point across. "I hear you, Lord. You don't have to do anything drastic to get my attention. It is fully yours."

For me, June 13th is about way more than just being on vacation as a family. It is about a new start for me and my kids. I have several commitments between now and then that I must fulfill. Once those are complete, I plan to choose more wisely. I plan to take a few days to think through before I commit to something. I plan to take time this summer to pour into my kids' love tanks. God has given me a big job. I can't bear the thought that I could get so caught up in my care of orphans that my own children feel orphaned by the cause their mom is pursuing.