This Time Last Year

This time last year, the ache was deep. This time last year, the calling was strong. This time last year, the burden was almost unbearable. This time last year, we had just learned of Isaiah and Laila. On November 13, 2008, I spoke with our agency about our desires for adoption and about the two little people that were missing from our family. At the time of the conversation, there were no children that stood in the mind of the director that fit the description in our hearts, a brother and sister 2 and under. We weren't tied to that description. It was a starting point. We were even open to twins. God knew exactly what children he was bringing to our family and began the work in our hearts to welcome them with open arms. The night of the 13th was a difficult one for me. I was up most of the night doubting this journey we were embarking on. I was battling against lies all night long in my head. "What am I thinking? This is the craziest idea ever!! I am going to destroy my family and regret it for the rest of my life." It was excruciating. I went the next day, November 14, to be a part of the morning worship at a Missional Conference at our church. God spoke truth to my heart so clearly during that time. I heard Him in the worship time. I heard Him from my friends as I shared the struggles of the night before. I heard Him as my husband shared a passage of Scripture that resonated with the work that God was doing in my heart. It was amazing.

Then, I came home to a static-filled voicemail that changed my life forever. It said something like this, "Laura, someone is listening to you. I just heard of a brother and sister who have been brought in. A family is being requested for them. This is unusual, but this is the first time we have had a situation where a family was requested. He is two and she is 3 months old(we later learned that she was actually 5 months old at the time and he had not turned 2 yet). I couldn't help but think of you guys as I heard about these two. Call me when you have a chance." I stood there and listened to that message over and over again. I tried to call Rick immediately, but could not get in touch with him. Then I tried to call the agency. When I spoke to the director, I didn't learn any more information. It just felt really good to talk about them. I was a mess. But this time it was a good mess, not a confused, questioning, listening to lies kind of mess. It was a moment of seeing God confirm all the crazy thoughts that I had been pursuing for the last 4 months. He really was leading me. He really was changing our family. I had no control and only Him to cling to. That was right where He needed me to be.

Now, I sit here at my computer, and I am a bit of a mess once again. I was just heading to bed when I heard a noise from Isaiah and Laila's room. I went in to check on them, and Isaiah was sitting up in his bed, his pillow and covers thrown on the floor. I think he was a little disoriented. He talked about playing or eating food, and then he wanted to know what each member of our family was doing. After I explained to him that they were asleep and it was time for him to go to sleep, he said, "Ok, Mama, Good night." I covered him up and asked him if he wanted me to pray for him. He said, "yes." After praying I checked on Laila. The commotion had stirred her. She laid down, I covered her up and said a quick prayer over her. I left that room and felt so overwhelmed. I remembered all that I just shared from last year and felt amazed at God and His work. These two little people that were only a description this time last year, are now my son and daughter. They are mine as much as my birth children. I can't explain that, I just know it in my heart.

When I got back to my room, I immediately began to feel burdened for those families who are still "in process." I know of 3 families that are on the verge of bringing their children home. I know of many others who are still frantically filling out paperwork and raising money to fulfill this calling on their lives. They haven't even seen a picture of their kids yet. They are just a gender and age range to them right now. I don't understand why God allows the process to be what it is. What I do know is that I am a different person because of this process, and I have to trust His purpose in that. If you are reading this and you are "in process" please know that I am praying for you and that God sees you. Don't believe the lies that are being thrown at you. Ask God to reveal His truth in those desperate times. If you are reading this and you know of someone who is "in process", encourage them. Be that person that confirms what God is doing in their hearts. It is lonely and painful and feels neverending. They should not have to bear it alone.

I had no intentions of writing a post at 11:00 PM tonight. I guess God had other plans. I just can't believe my life right now. I can't imagine it any other way, but I would have never imagined I would be where I am. That is the thing I love about God. He takes our dream of having 6 children 15 years ago and weaves it into something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.