Emotions like no other

The adoption process is an emotional rollercoaster. There is just no other way to explain it. I have been mulling this post around in my mind for quite a while. I don't know if I can express what I want to in a cohesive way, but I am going to try because I think the emotions and feelings need to be shared. I think it is important for those who are adopting to not feel alone. I think it is important for those who have adopted to know that others are still struggling despite the fact that their children are home. I also think it is important for those who are journeying with adoptive families. Without experiencing it firsthand, you really cannot grasp the intensity and the variation of emotions that these families are dealing with daily. So, here it goes. I may have to clarify later or add to as I continue to process, but this will be my first shot at expressing my emotions.

First of all, as you know, I have birthed four babies. My first 3 pregnancies were great. They were easy and really low on the scale of complications. The fourth one, not so much. We almost lost Sam a couple of times and experienced quite a bit of emotions through his birth and early days. Adoption is different, very different. I was talking with some friends this week, two of which are going through adoption processes(0ne domestic and the other foster/adopt), and we agreed that in pregnancy you feel like you have some control(even though you really don't). There is the illusion of control because the baby is with you. You can eat well, get good medical care, and "protect" that baby. With adoption you are stripped of ALL control. You are at the mercy of complete strangers, the government(s), the process, and sometimes birth parents/families. It is so hard. You can be at the top of the mountain and in the depths of despair all in one day for many days during the process. It is excruciating. I think I also had the illusion during the process that, "if I just get these babies home, it will be all better. I can deal with anything as long as I have them in my home." Well, now that I am on the other side, it is not that easy.

I have never dealt with so much fear in my parenting as I do with Isaiah and Laila. I know that they have suffered a great loss in losing their mother. That is enough, but who knows what else they experienced those first years for Isaiah and first months for Laila of life. I don't know, and it scares me. It scares me as I try to teach them boundaries. It scares me as I try to train them in the way that they should go. Reading adoption materials often confuses me even more. It seems that in an effort to not scar the children any further, we are told to avoid any discipline. It is hard to discern between what is normal 2 1/2 year old behavior and 17 month old behavior and what is the result of some horrible memory or circumstance in their past. It seems that we are doing them a disservice by allowing their behaviors because of our fear. I don't want my children to grow up as victims thinking for the rest of their lives that they are exempt from boundaries. I want to show them how God so purposefully brought them to our family and how He desires to use them greatly despite or even as a result of their past.

What I am sharing is very controversial for those of you not in the adoption loop. It is one of those things we don't talk about because there is a lot of disagreement and judgement. I think we should talk about it more. Everything I have read says that if my child throws a fit or acts out in some way that it is from a scar in his/her past. (Let me just say, I am not totally discounting this idea. I do believe that horrible things have happened to many children and those horrible things affect them GREATLY. So, don't think I dismiss the idea of counseling and programs that work with the issues that come with adoption.) Can we not admit, though, that some of the behaviors are just normal for their age and they need to be lovingly guided and disciplined?

I don't have the answers. I am just throwing out the issues I am wrestling with. I guess just like with my other children, I need to seek God daily to know how to parent each child well. Two of my kids have sensory integrative dysfunction. This has brought a whole new element to my parenting as I consider this alongside dealing with their behaviors. The same is true for Isaiah and Laila. I have to look at their behavior and ask the question, "why is he/she acting like this right now? How do I walk through this with them?" We are finding that they feel safe and secure and loved when we take the time to enforce boundaries with them. It is always followed with restoration, hugs, and kisses, and words of affirmation. They see us doing the same thing with our bio kids. All 6 of these kids are our children. We love them the same and we love them ALL enough to discipline them. So, there you have it. I don't know if it makes any sense, but I felt like I needed to write it. And, I feel like I need to say that the emotions of adoption don't end the day you bring your kids into your home.

My life would not be the same without him.

She has captured my heart in ways I never could have imagined.