I haven't been sleeping well so, I am overly tired.
I have actually been feeling really steady emotionally with all that is going on. That peace has been comforting.
Today is one of those days, where that hasn't really been the case.
Mostly, I just feel sad. I am feeling a sense of loss.
I expected this to happen. I know that it is normal.
I wanted to share because I don't want to present this facade that following God is easy and "scary-emotion" free.
After being on staff at Vanguard for 10 years, I feel like I am losing a part of my identity in this.
We don't know what God has next for us. Because of that, Rick's next position may not be on a church staff. We are really open to whatever God has.
For almost 15 years, I have been a pastor's wife. That is part of who I am.
Rick has reminded me that I am who I am, and I will live that out regardless of my title.
He is right. I don't do work in Swaziland because I am a pastor's wife. I didn't adopt because I am a pastor's wife. I don't pour into young moms because I am a pastor's wife. I don't take meals or meet with other women because I am a pastor's wife. I don't invest in my children because I am a pastor's wife.
Those are things that God has called me to regardless of what "job" my husband has.
Our life is definitely changing. With any change comes fear, anxiety, and sadness.
On the flip side, there is much excitement and dreaming that is going on as well.
We are seeking God as a family. We are really trying to define who we are, what we value, and how we want to live that out within our family and as we reach out to others.
I don't expect every day to be easy. There will be more days where my emotions get the best of me. I am reminded in those times that it is those desperate emotions that draw me even closer in my dependence on God.
I took a nap today. I had really weird dreams. At the end of my nap, I had the song "Be Still" by Fike and Dana running through my head. That was the reminder I needed. My favorite line in that song is,
Oh, I need the presence of a Savior,
Oh, I need the comfort of a King,
Oh, I need the mercy and the favor of God guiding me,
setting me free!!
That is my plea to God right now.
When I woke up from my nap, Abby had blessed me by completely cleaning the main level of the house. What a sweetie she is and oh, how much that ministered to my heart.
Laura,
ReplyDeleteBeing on the other side of the coin you are on, I hear your heart and hold you close in my prayers. It's not easy, stepping out. I have amazing days and really hard days. BUT each day I ask for and receive confirmation that our move, our big life change is for a reason. I am praying that you will feel those same thoughts, you will have that same peace.
Blessings to you as you march ahead in this next journey!
Melodie
I am also on the flip side, many times over; formerly a missionary and missionary wife, a pastor's wife, a teacher in Christian school and the wife of a Christian school teacher and church staff member.
ReplyDeleteGod is the creator of our seasons of life and this I know about you; you are a woman of God, a mother and wife who knows how to be real and gracious, a woman willing to be a blessing to others even when it isn't convenient, and Rick is right. All of those traits are yours and increasing because you are a woman of obedience, but having no control of the next adventure is hard. I am praying for you and praying that God blows your socks right off.
Laura, it is neat that I just read this immediately after Scott and I had one of those life-altering, decision-making conversations of our own. During part of our conversation, we were talking about grieving the losses of this year and how excruciating that has been - and how precious. I just want to affirm the grief you are feeling. I would be suspicious if you didn't feel it - how can God move you through something this deep if you don't feel how deep it is? Its healthy to mourn deeply so you can get to whatever is on the other side of it. I'm sure you know that - I just wanted to echo it. Hugs, amazing, amazing friend. I couldn't love you more if I tried....at least I think so. Maybe I'll try.... =)
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