Be Still My Heart

I came across this picture today, and it literally took my breath away!

I had an immediate physical response to it.  I literally ached inside looking at it.  I can't seem to shake that feeling.

That picture was taken on my first Mother's Day with Isaiah and Laila home.  Our family was finally complete and whole.

I miss my babies.  I miss everything about the baby phase.

Yes, it was hard, it was exhausting, and there were many days where I didn't think I would survive.  I don't want to discount any of that.

BUT, I loved it.  There was so much joy and delight in it for me.

Taking a totally dependent little baby, loving them, teaching them, watching them grow and learn new things was truly life giving to me.  

 

You see, I am a baby/toddler/preschooler kind of mom.  It fits well with my personality.  I am really black and white in my nature which makes consistency in discipline easier.  I know how to teach children and deal with temper tantrums and meet their needs.  I like structure and schedules and ultimately being in control of everything.  I am kind of silly so I can totally relate to their silliness.  They even thought I was funny!!

I don't have regrets about not enjoying that phase.  I really did savor the moments.  I gave them my all in every way possible.  We sacrificed so I could be home with them.  It wasn't easy, but it was worth it!

So, here I am now, with my youngest in Kindergarten and my oldest in High School.  It is a new dispensation in our house.  I am desperately trying to embrace it.  To be honest, I am grieving.

They don't view me as they once did, and to be fair, I don't view them the same way either.  All of our expectations have changed and we are working through what that will look like for our family.

I knew this day would come.  Now, I have to figure out how to navigate through it.  I am finding it to be a harder phase for me for many reasons.  I will process this more in the days ahead when I am able to articulate it better.

For now, I am asking God to take this ache in my heart and show me how to move forward with these 6 lives He has entrusted to me.  It is still my calling, but it has changed.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate change?????