Surprised by Grief

I had a moment today that took me off guard. It came out of seemingly nowhere. I went to a women's event at church. It was good to have a day away to interact with other women and be encouraged in my spiritual walk. During one of the worship sessions, I was overwhelmed by a sense of grief. I was thinking about Isaiah and Laila and how amazing their personalities are. And all of a sudden it hit me, I was not there to witness their births. I will never know what they looked like on those first days of life. I didn't see their first smiles or change those first diapers(although they have gone above and beyond to make up for that one. :) ) I didn't comfort them when they were crying or feed them their milk. For Isaiah, I will never know what he looked like as a baby. I missed out on his first steps and his first words. At least for Laila, I have pictures of her beginning at 7 months old. Even that doesn't seem sufficient. It seems so wrong that I didn't have that time with them, and I have no idea what that time was like for them. It made me really sad. I wonder what I was doing during those milestones in their lives. I can look back at my calendar to see what I was doing on the days they were born. I can also gain comfort in the fact that the very time that God first laid Africa on my heart was the very time period when Isaiah was conceived. When he was almost 18 months old, I looked down a church row at my family on mothers' day and felt in my heart that a little African boy was missing. I was in the very country on the day that my daughter was born and had no idea what a pivotal day that was or what lifechanging event was occurring just across town.

Don't get me wrong. This thought has crossed my mind before today. It was especially strong once we got news of them and waited those 4 months to meet them and bring them into our family. It was excruciating knowing that someone else was caring for them. It was even harder imagining them living over 2 years for Isaiah and 9 months for Laila without us. The grief I felt today was deeper, more painful.

Without going into a lot of detail, the last year of their little lives was pretty traumatic. They have experienced a lot of loss and a lot of transition. We are approaching the completion of our 5th month at homewith them. I am thankful that this has been a time of stability for them. I am thankful that despite all of their transitions and unknowns that they are now a part of our family forever. They have adjusted so well. When we arrived home from our vacation in July after introducing them to our extended families, Rick and I agreed that phase 1 of our adjustment process was complete. As a whole our family is functioning as a family. The siblings all interact as siblings do. They love each other, and they fight with each other. They are my babies and I am their mom. Nothing will ever change that. I pray that God continues to give me a heart for their loss and pain. I desire to walk with them through this loss and pain as they grow old enough to grasp it on their own. Until then, I plan to record those milestones and give them a sense of who they are and the amazing plan that God has for each of them.

Cutest Boy in the World!!

How in the world did I get the cutest boy in all of Africa? I am amazed at God's goodness.


We also call him Captain Destructo!! He is destroying everything in his path.

A Moment in My Life

I am chuckling right now. I just have to write the things that are happening in my house right now:

- There is the weekly weeping and gnashing of teeth coming from Sam's room as he puts his laundry away. He has been "working" (and I use that term very loosely) on this chore all afternoon.

- Laila started freaking out and was scared to death when she saw Lauren in her shinguards for soccer practice. She is afraid of some really weird things. Who knows what that is all about.

- Isaiah may just starve before I am able to get his dinner to him.

- Abby is being a big helper.

- Cody, Lauren and Rick are at their soccer practices

- I am trying to empty the dishwasher and get some dinner for the kids. What's on the menu tonight? Frozen Pizza. I am quite the chef these days. I do plan to cook it before I give it to them.

Too Cute for His Own Good

Isaiah has quite the personality. He lights up any room he enters. He is intense and passionate. This means, when he is happy, he is REALLY happy and everyone knows it. Unfortunately the same is true when he is unhappy. He keeps me on my toes and after a day of keeping up with him, I am ready for bed at night.

What a cutie!!

Don't you just love these catalog poses?

What kind of mischief is he thinking of in this picture?

Sweet boy!

I love him, I really really do.

You are a little man who has changed my life. I can't wait to see what big plans God has for you Isaiah Sanele!!

3 Hours and 50 Miles

This is the time I spend
and the amount of miles I drive each day
doing school drop offs and pick ups!!

FRUSTRATION!!!!!

I am so frustrated right now. I find myself in this state quite often these days. I think I need to vent a bit and completely understand if some of you don't desire to read this post. Writing is becoming therapeutic for me. So, here it goes.

I approach every day with a list and an idea of what I hope to get done. Believe me, the expectations and even the list have gotten shorter and shorter with each kid. I feel like my expectations are pretty reasonable right now, but I still NEVER seem to meet them. Today is the perfect example.

I had hopes to run a few errands this morning, to get home in time to put everything away and maybe switch out a load of laundry before picking up Sam at school. Then my plan was to set aside the whole afternoon to work on kids' clothes. It is that time of year when I need to put away clothes that are too small, and get out the bigger ones. This is very important with multiple children. I save their clothes and reuse them with the younger siblings. This is one way I save money for our family. Let me tell you, with 6 of them it is quite the task. It can take me 2 weeks to complete. That doesn't count the clothing organizing we just did with school uniforms (which, by the way, has doubled my laundry!!).

So, it is now 12:30. Here is what my morning has been like. I dropped everyone off, shopped at 2 grocery stores for the sales this week and went to get some bloodwork done. While waiting at the lab(I had to wait for an hour with Isaiah and Laila in a tiny, crowded waiting room. If you know Isaiah, he is loud. I have accepted this about him, but it can be frustrating at times. I probably asked him to use his quiet voice at least 100 times during that hour.) While we were waiting at the lab, I got a call from Lauren at school saying she left her glasses at home this morning. I told her I would bring them when I picked Sam up from Kindergarten. So, I go there early, unloaded the little ones, ran the glasses in, loaded them back up and got in the carpool line. While I was in the carpool line, I got another call from the school saying Abby was sick. So, I got out of the carpool line, parked and went in to get her. I had to drag Isaiah and Laila all over the school because she wasn't at the nurse's station or in her class. She was at lunch. All the while, Isaiah has decided he wants to run through the halls, which is a big no-no at our school. So, I am dragging him down the hall screaming because he doesn't want to hold my hand. Eventually I end up carrying both he and Laila which are a combined total of 60lbs.

After getting Abby, I get Sam who is the last one in his class waiting for me. I call the dr. office on the way home and they say they need to see her today. So, I have to rush home and get everyone fed so we can be at the dr. office by 1:30. They are "fitting us in" for our appt. so I suspect we will be there until time to then drive across town again to pick the other two up from school.

I look at my day and I still haven't gotten to the clothes that need to be organized. If you see my kids wearing shorts in November, you will know why.

If you are still reading this, you are really patient. This is how all of my days feel lately. I have to remind myself that I stay home in order to be with my kids. I just feel like I can't get ahead and am always coming up for breaths just to sink again. I chose this, and I don't regret it. I just need God to help me cope with it and give me the wisdom to do the things that need to be done and accept it when things don't get done. Can I get an "amen"?

Dishwasher Delight

I just know that all of you have been hanging on the edge of your seats waiting for this post. Well, you can now enjoy your weekend because here it is. Rick installed the new dishwasher yesterday. We decided to really put it to the test last night. We took our dishes from dinner and did not rinse any of them. There was a bowl that had guacamole in it, a pot with dried rice all in it, and many plates of dried on food.

When we woke up this morning, it was like Christmas morning. We couldn't wait to get up and look in the dishwasher to see how the dishes were. Much to our excitement, they were all clean!! I am amazed. This will revolutionize my life. Not only does the dishwasher use less water and energy, but I will be able to use less water and energy in loading it. We have entered a new dispensation.

Goodbye old dishwasher, you served us well.

Hello, new dishwasher my special friend.

It is so pretty on the inside

Lowe's has 20% off of their appliances this weekend so we got a smokin' deal. If you had told me years ago that I would get this excited about an appliance I would have thought, "what a sad life." Not anymore. I am one happy lady today. Now, I must go load my dishwasher with our very dirty breakfast dishes.